ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

He’s lied: can I ever trust him?     

I am 49 and have never been able to trust a man. All my relationships have been difficult. I married young, then divorced soon afterwards because I found my husband in bed with another woman. I was still in my early 20s when I met the father of my two children. But after our second baby things went very wrong and we split up, partly due to me suffering from postnatal depression. I was later admitted to hospital under the Mental Health Act. I’ve largely recovered, though my demons still haunt me. I thought it was impossible to fall in love ever again. Then, six years ago, I met a wonderful man, who I kept at a distance because he was much younger than me. I’d now like our relationship to be more serious, but because of all I’ve been through he thinks I’m too vulnerable. I really need a friend and he promised he would always be there for me. However, he has lied to me on several occasions and I don’t know if he cares about me enough. How can I tell if he feels the same about me?

It’s not surprising that you find it so hard to trust men after your experience with your husband, and your subsequent relationships haven’t been easy either. As far as your current boyfriend is concerned, however, don’t hint: tell him directly how strongly you feel about him, then ask him to be completely honest with you and say how he truly feels. Explain about your history and what you have been through. Then tell him that you can’t cope with being hurt or messed around again, so if he doesn’t love you it would be better if he could tell you now so that you can move on. A word of warning, though: it’s very easy for someone to tell you that they love you and promise you the moon, but words are not enough – they do need to back it up with action. You say that he has lied to you. This should ring warning bells, so he needs to have a pretty good explanation for why he did this. Other ways you can tell if he really loves you are how he treats you. Does he listen to you properly? Is he happy to introduce you to his friends and family? Does he say nice things to you to boost your confidence or does he put you down or criticise you? You can also tell a lot about a person by their friends and track record. Does he have a history of good long-term relationships, for instance, or has he always flitted from one woman to another? Do you know his friends well enough to ask them if he has treated women well in the past or whether he has ever been unfaithful? It can be difficult to pick good men if you’ve been treated badly before, so do consider counselling with Relate (relate.org.uk) to work this through. 

I’m stricken with grief about my best friend’s dad  
My closest friend’s father died recently. I had known him since I was 11 – I’m now in my late 40s – and he was always really kind to me. I never got on with my own father who was always angry and aggressive. My parents divorced when I was 16 and I never saw much of my dad as an adult. He died of a heart attack when I was 36 and I’ve never missed him. But I’ve been really cut up with grief about my best friend’s dad. I hadn’t seen so much of him over recent years because I have my own life with a lovely husband and children, but I miss him. I’d like to talk to my friend about him more and I would love to visit her mum (who was also kind to me), but I’m worried that she might be jealous.

It is possible that your friend might be jealous, but you may find that she would be glad of an opportunity to talk about her father. It’s not surprising that you feel so much grief because you had known him for more than 30 years, since you were a child, and as your own dad was absent, this man was much like a father to you. All you can do is ask your friend – explain to her that you would never expect to have been as important to her dad as she was, but that to you he was far more important than yours and the closest thing to a father that you ever had. You can also talk to her about visiting her mum. Hopefully she will be pleased, but if she is reluctant then discuss the matter with your husband instead.

• If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email [email protected]