ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions

If you have a problem, email [email protected]. Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally

I came home to find that she’d left me    

Recently, I came home after visiting my brother and found my wife had gone. There was a brief letter telling me that she was not happy and that she had left. In what must have been a military-style operation, she had taken her belongings and several pieces of furniture – even our bed – plus cash and her passport from the safe. She had emptied the freezer and even taken the toilet-roll holder from the bathroom. She has stripped our home so there is no evidence that she ever lived here. I am 70 and my wife is 62; we have been married for 28 years and don’t have children. I am devastated. I had no indication that anything was wrong and had felt that our relationship was mostly harmonious. I love her deeply. She’s had problems at work over the years and had fallen out with colleagues in various jobs, taking sick leave and refusing to answer their calls. There were constant doctors’ appointments and I do wonder if she’s had a breakdown. She refuses to talk to me and will only respond briefly saying that she will be filing for divorce and asking me not to contest it. I have no idea where she is living or who with. Do I just accept the inevitable or fight back knowing that this will cause my wife more stress and anxiety? But if she is suffering from a breakdown who is going to help her?

This is distressing for you, especially when you have no idea why she left so suddenly and, in fact, cruelly. She could, as you say, have had a breakdown. Alternatively, she may have left for someone else, or she could have been unhappy for a while but was afraid you would try to talk her out of leaving. The other reason someone might leave like this would be if she was scared of you. (Only you would know the truth of this but from your longer letter it sounds unlikely.) Unfortunately, it is difficult to come to terms with the end of a relationship when there is no explanation. You go over it in your head and wonder why your partner left, and whether there was anything you could have done to prevent it. You need a lot of support and someone to talk it through with, so get in touch with relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk for counselling. I think you will have to accept that your marriage is over as it does sound very final, but you need an explanation if possible. Does your wife have any close friends or siblings you could contact? They might be unwilling to talk to you out of loyalty to her, but you could explain how worried you are. Ask them to reassure you that she is OK and if she is getting any help. Tell them how difficult it is for you to understand what happened and how devastated you are.

Why did our sister invite friends rather than family?   

My sister marked her 60th birthday last month with a small celebration at her house. She told me and our two brothers (and our partners) that because gatherings are limited, she would only be having a little get-together with two couples who she and her husband are close to. My brothers and I feel hurt and insulted that she chose to celebrate with friends and not family. Are we overreacting? We wondered if she was just using the pandemic as an excuse not to invite us.  

I can understand that you and your brothers feel hurt that she chose friends over family but try not to take it to heart. It is not unusual for people to love their siblings dearly but sometimes have more in common with friends. They may have shared bonds over children who grew up together, or they may just love to get together for a few drinks and a good laugh. It sounds as though she is particularly close to these two couples and I expect the six of them normally get together quite often. A lot depends on how well you and your brothers usually get on with your sister. If you are normally close and on good terms, then try to just put it down to living in these troubled times and forget about it. If you feel that you are not as close as you would like to be, then you could tell her gently that you and your brothers were sad not to spend her 60th birthday with her. Explain that you understand she wanted to see friends and you know she couldn’t have all of you as well, but tell her that you love her and ask if you could mark the occasion belatedly together.

  • If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email [email protected]